we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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