Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
