I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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