I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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