My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
