Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
