Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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