they need to just BURY HIM!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
