last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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