Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
