i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
