11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
