Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
