He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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