I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
