Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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