I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
the night ended with taco bell and tears
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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