Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
