I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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