Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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