Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
