Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Randomize
