My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
