all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
