why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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