guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
