I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
