mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
