I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
