So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
