I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
