I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
