sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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