I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize