and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
