is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
