he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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