i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
