How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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