Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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