afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
