Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
