did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
