I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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