I just saw a hot homeless man
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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