somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
