dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So vagazzling was a success
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
