Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Can I color on your dick again?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
