My friends, they love my intelligence
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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