I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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