my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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