just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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