Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
