I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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