Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
