We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize