Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
