I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
