Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Randomize
