Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize