when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
zippers are such a cool invention
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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