highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
