ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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